Happy New Year Jokes 2020
*A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
*My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
*New Year’s Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
*My New Years resolution is 1080p I’m getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.
*My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
*If you’re born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume your parents started the New Year with a Bang! I have only one resolution.
*To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have.
*Happy New Year! If 2020 were a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages. This New Year’s I resolve to be less formidable since that is the only thing I do in excess. You don’t have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
*People treat New Year’s like some life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow. I’ll remember 2017 like it was yesterday Dear Luck, …..can we be friends in 2020 Please? I raised my left leg before the ball dropped so I could start the New Year off on the right foot. In 2018, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accepts you.
*May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions. I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard….again. Dear God, my prayer for 2020 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don’t mix it up like you did this year. I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck, they’d get a Bloody Mary.
*Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 16th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can’t help you. I want to kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am so that I can have a fantastic ending to 2020 and a beautiful beginning into 2020.
*Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them. Every year I resolve to change myself……. this year decided to be myself! I’m planning on finding new and exciting things to hate about my job in 2020.
*Just heard that in 2020 there would be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, and it’s called alcohol. My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions…
*That way I succeed at something! Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it. Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Think of joy, Forget the fear. Be joyous, cause its a New Year. New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar. I’m feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
*My 2020 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose. People think New Years is a life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow. May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions.
*I heard Donald Trump wants to Make New Years Eve Great Again. I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter. It’s officially New Year Eve. You only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
*Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.
*There have been many times in 2020, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you….today I want to tell you I plan to continue in 2020! The only ball that will be dropping on Times Square this New Years Eve is MINE. Sincerely, Lance Armstrong.
Happy New Years Eve Short Jokes
*What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve? I haven’t seen you for a year!
*What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.
*What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve? The ice falls out of your drinks!
*What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security
*New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
*What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops? Justin Bieber gets jealous
*Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve? Waiting for the punchline.
*What do your cows celebrate on December 31st? Moo Years Eve.
*What do farmers give their wives at Midnight on New Year’s Eve? Hogs and kisses!
*Knock Knock! Whos there? Mary and Abby! Mary and Abby who? Mary Christmas and an Abby new year.